A System Broken, a Child Forgotten
By James Edwards
07/01/11
Studies have shown the visitation schedule of non-custodial parents, as outlined in the Standard Possession Order, has produced a negative effect on the behavioral development of our children. Children who have already experienced the conflicting and confused emotions inherent with divorce must now deal with being with one parent, predominantly the father, a couple weekends a month. Though the typical legislated non-custodial visitation schedule consisting of the first, third, and fifth weekends of the month has been determined by the court as being “in the best interest of the child,” it has produced many negative effects: higher rates of teenage pregnancy, drug use, and other behavioral problems (Hughes). This non-custodial parent system of visitation, as outlined in the Standard Possession Order, has proved ineffective and not in “the best interest of the child.” Implementing a system that acknowledges the need for frequent contact with both the custodial and non-custodial parents, the father and the mother, would ease some of the trauma experience by children of divorce
In the late eighteenth and on into the early nineteenth century, legislation favored the father in divorce. To even file for divorce, mothers had to show an overwhelming evidence of adultery and other offenses, while the father only had to show adultery. Since married women could not hold property, the courts awarded all property, as well as child custody, to the father (Kagan). Traditionally, the father’s role had been as protector and provider, and the mother as homemaker. This system gave fathers little experience at raising children. After a divorce, the father was designated as the custodial parent, however, he was usually inexperienced and unable to properly raise children and often placed the children in boarding schools, or had a female relative care for them (Kagan). Since, the natural pattern of custody” has reversed with the mother overwhelming being awarded custody of the child after a divorce (Levy). However, the traditional male-female, father-mother role has changed considerably since. Women have entered the job market, filling roles once dominated by men, such as fire fighters, police officers, or soldiers. At the same time, men have developed skills necessary for raising and nurturing children. While opportunities for mothers have increased, fathers continue to remain shackled by a legacy left over from their forefathers as unable to raise children.
More than thirty years ago, Margaret Mead stated in a lecture to the Children Medical Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma, that “Children should not have to lose a parent because of divorce, yet courts in America operate on a win/loss principle” (Levy), and while most states have since removed gender designation from their statues to be more gender-neutral, there remains a preference to award the mother as the custodial parent. A report to the U. S. Commission on Children and Family Welfare shows mothers received sole custody in 72 percent of the cases verses fathers who receive sole custody in 9 percent of cases (Cathcart). Legislation is not the only explanation for this preference; the initial custody challenge during the divorce decree is, as any attorney will advise, by far the most important. Often the Standard Possession Order goes unchallenged by the initial Divorce Decree for a variety of reasons. Divorces involving children are expensive, and many fathers are not financially prepared to challenge custody. Others may not be geographically prepared to challenge for shared custody since it involves both parents living within the same school district. Some simply do not know they have a choice. The bottom line is, in 72 percent of the cases, fathers have been reduced to a visitor in their child's lives.
After the court has established the visitation rights, the real struggles often begin. The custodial parent may set out to establish boundaries, which are in clear defiance of the original court order. If the custodial parent does not want you to see your child, he or she simply withholds visitations. In order to regain visitations, the non-custodial parent has the choice to either spend thousands of dollars in attorney fees, or tolerate the behavior. Or, the custodial parent may make false accusations to the court. And again, the non-custodial parent will spend thousands to defend against the allegations. The Family Court does not prosecute against false allegations, and in fact, attorneys may advise on just how far to carry an accusation so as not to involve any investigating agency. It seems that non-custodial parents have fought, are currently fighting, or will be fighting against a common enemy - parents who manipulate the system currently in place. However, after each battle, all that seems to have been accomplished is spending thousands of dollars in legal fees to enforce a visitation right that was previously established by the court. Why is the non-custodial parent incurring the financial burden to enforce the child's right to be involved in the lives of both parents, as well as the cost of medical and dental expenses, and child support? Why is withholding visitations not defined as Contempt of Court and Psychological Abuse to the child? There is a governmental system in place, which would remove the burdening cost of legal representation from the non-custodial parent, and place it on the state. The Attorney General's Office has a database of custodial and non-custodial parents, and their child or children, which case manager's use to track child support payments. With a complaint of denial of visitation, local law enforcement and child protective services could respond and initiate an investigation as well as investigating accusations made to the court. However, the problem lies in forcing the state to define the Child's Right, and then accept the responsibility of protecting and enforcing the Child's Right to be involved with both parents.
The objective is to advocate for the Child's Right to be involved in the lives of both parents and to advocate against Parental Alienation Tactics. We should be concerned with the Rights of the Child, and enforcing those rights. The child is not the one who should be making sacrifices. However, the Child's Right to Both Parents will not be protected until after political unity of custodial and non-custodial parents, mothers and fathers, who force politicians to deal with the issue. Only then, will the current system in place be enforced, and possibly changes made that will place the child first.
References
Cathcart, M. R., & Robles, R. E., (1996), Parenting our children- Report of the
U. S. Commission on Child and Family Welfare, retrieved from the Coalition of Parent
Support website,September 10, 2006: http://www.copss.org/research/majority2.htm
Hughes, R. The effects of divorce on children (July 2005), Retrieved
September 10, 2006, retrieved from the Department of Human & Community
Development, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign website:
http://www.parenting247.org/article.cfm?ContentID=646&AgeGroup=4AgeGroup=4
Kagan, D., Steven, O., & Turner. F, (2004) The western heritage (8th ed.), New Jersey:
Pearson Education.
Levy. D. (Ed.), (1993). The best parent is both parents: A guide to shared parenting,
Norfolk: Hampton Roads Publishing.
The Weapons of Choice for Custody Battles
By James Edwards
October 27, 2011
Over the years since my divorce, and through dealing with a constant barrage of parental alienation tactics from my ex-wife in her attempt to alienate my daughter from me, I have taken note of the amount of violence one parent can use against the other in custody disputes. I associate this newfound awareness with being a divorced father and admit that when I was single and childless I never took much notice. I have also noticed that this violence often ends in the death of one parent or the arrest of the other. Just recently, CNN reported that a “Scott Dekraai of Hunting Beach, California, was arrested and charged with eight counts of murder, which included his ex-wife with whom he has been involved in a custody battle over their eight-year-old son.” While I understand frustration with the system, and how easy it is to manipulate, I do not understand leaving a child or children parentless, or the senseless murder of another human being.
No doubt, divorce is a war, especially when children are involved. You need to have a strategy to win, and you need to command and strategize as a general would, because you are likely to find yourself defending against unfounded accusations at a cost of thousands of dollars. I certainly do not recommend leaving everything in the hands of an attorney, to whom you are just one among dozens of clients. However, your armaments are not bullets or bombs. They are documentation, documentation, and documentation. Your assets are forensic investigators and forensic psychologists. A forensic investigator is much like a private child services investigator and his or her report carries a lot of weight with the court. A forensic investigation is also referred to as a social study evaluation. Forensic psychologists are quite aware of the number of false accusations that run through the system and may be one of your best tools for counteracting accusations with non-biased findings. Their reports also carry a lot of weight in family court. This documentation exists not only for the court, but also for your children. One thing is inevitable – children grow up. While it is easy for a parent to poison the mind of a child, the child who becomes an adult and is provided with documentation will see the truth, and “the truth will set you free.” Your children need to understand what you endured financially and emotionally, and that you did fight for them. The ultimate goal of the targeting parent is to isolate you from your children and, unfortunately, he or she may achieve this simply because the targeted parent runs out of money for the fight. Wars cost money. There is a Sun Tzu – The Art of War, saying, “No nation prospers from a prolonged war.” I do not really agree with this; it depends on what you value. I certainly value my daughter more than I do money in the bank; however, I do understand that fighting for your child’s right to both parents is costly and sometimes you simply run out of money. Over the past six years, I have spent a life’s savings fighting for my daughter, and her mother’s accusations against me never seem to end.
I have also endured several periods of denied visitation with my daughter based on accusations made by my ex-wife. One thing I know is true – my ex-wife is an expert at manipulating the system, and the system never punishes her for making false accusations. It is extremely frustrating when the investigator from Child Protective Services (CPS) says to you, “I know your ex-wife is lying but there is nothing I can do.” However, the system needs to be a system that places the protection of the child first and, because of this, the system is easily manipulated. As I understand it, the problem lies in the jurisdiction of the family courts to prosecute against “misinformation to the court” or “perjury.” It is the responsibility of the district attorney’s office (DA) to prosecute misinformation or perjury; however, if DAs were to prosecute every lie told in family court, they would have no time or resources to prosecute other crimes. Family court judges can hold the litigant on contempt-of-court charges, but are hesitant to do so. You actually have a better chance against the attorney who represented the misinformation, or lies, by filing a complaint with the attorney’s professional ethics board. However, attorneys often advise clients to keep such accusations vague. Listing specific accusations risks the involvement of CPS―something the attorneys do not want, especially if they know the accusations are false.
I believe a child has the right to both parents; however, enforcing this right is, for the most, left to the parent who is being denied visitation rights. It is a hard thing to lose a child, and only parents who have gone through it understand what it is like. As you become financially and emotionally drained, you ride a pendulum between anger and depression. Your thoughts may also swing from suicide to homicide, but you must stay focused on what is important – your child and your child’s right to both parents. Remember, you are in a war and the need to stay physically fit is important, so exercise daily. The endorphins released will counteract the depression. And, although it may be expensive, either request a court-ordered psychological evaluation of you and your child or arrange for an independent evaluation; do the same for the other parent. In my case, the evaluation was ordered by the court at the request of the mother, most likely on the advice of her attorney, and “no” there was no documentation (i.e., police reports, CPS reports) that warranted the need for the evaluation, but it turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done. The evaluation found that the only thing wrong with my daughter was “she favors the father” and recommended “no limitations set on this father.” The mother declined to be evaluated.
In addition to a psychological evaluation, you should either request a court-ordered forensic investigation (also referred to as a social study evaluation) or have an independent investigation conducted. A forensic investigation is expensive as well, but if the findings contradict the accusations, a judge with any sense will favor the findings of the investigation. The social study evaluation may include a psychological evaluation. And, remember, document, document, and document your actions. Keep a journal, start a blog, or write a self-published book for your child. Remember, one day your child will become an adult who wants answers. Have those answers ready.
By James Edwards
07/01/11
Studies have shown the visitation schedule of non-custodial parents, as outlined in the Standard Possession Order, has produced a negative effect on the behavioral development of our children. Children who have already experienced the conflicting and confused emotions inherent with divorce must now deal with being with one parent, predominantly the father, a couple weekends a month. Though the typical legislated non-custodial visitation schedule consisting of the first, third, and fifth weekends of the month has been determined by the court as being “in the best interest of the child,” it has produced many negative effects: higher rates of teenage pregnancy, drug use, and other behavioral problems (Hughes). This non-custodial parent system of visitation, as outlined in the Standard Possession Order, has proved ineffective and not in “the best interest of the child.” Implementing a system that acknowledges the need for frequent contact with both the custodial and non-custodial parents, the father and the mother, would ease some of the trauma experience by children of divorce
In the late eighteenth and on into the early nineteenth century, legislation favored the father in divorce. To even file for divorce, mothers had to show an overwhelming evidence of adultery and other offenses, while the father only had to show adultery. Since married women could not hold property, the courts awarded all property, as well as child custody, to the father (Kagan). Traditionally, the father’s role had been as protector and provider, and the mother as homemaker. This system gave fathers little experience at raising children. After a divorce, the father was designated as the custodial parent, however, he was usually inexperienced and unable to properly raise children and often placed the children in boarding schools, or had a female relative care for them (Kagan). Since, the natural pattern of custody” has reversed with the mother overwhelming being awarded custody of the child after a divorce (Levy). However, the traditional male-female, father-mother role has changed considerably since. Women have entered the job market, filling roles once dominated by men, such as fire fighters, police officers, or soldiers. At the same time, men have developed skills necessary for raising and nurturing children. While opportunities for mothers have increased, fathers continue to remain shackled by a legacy left over from their forefathers as unable to raise children.
More than thirty years ago, Margaret Mead stated in a lecture to the Children Medical Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma, that “Children should not have to lose a parent because of divorce, yet courts in America operate on a win/loss principle” (Levy), and while most states have since removed gender designation from their statues to be more gender-neutral, there remains a preference to award the mother as the custodial parent. A report to the U. S. Commission on Children and Family Welfare shows mothers received sole custody in 72 percent of the cases verses fathers who receive sole custody in 9 percent of cases (Cathcart). Legislation is not the only explanation for this preference; the initial custody challenge during the divorce decree is, as any attorney will advise, by far the most important. Often the Standard Possession Order goes unchallenged by the initial Divorce Decree for a variety of reasons. Divorces involving children are expensive, and many fathers are not financially prepared to challenge custody. Others may not be geographically prepared to challenge for shared custody since it involves both parents living within the same school district. Some simply do not know they have a choice. The bottom line is, in 72 percent of the cases, fathers have been reduced to a visitor in their child's lives.
After the court has established the visitation rights, the real struggles often begin. The custodial parent may set out to establish boundaries, which are in clear defiance of the original court order. If the custodial parent does not want you to see your child, he or she simply withholds visitations. In order to regain visitations, the non-custodial parent has the choice to either spend thousands of dollars in attorney fees, or tolerate the behavior. Or, the custodial parent may make false accusations to the court. And again, the non-custodial parent will spend thousands to defend against the allegations. The Family Court does not prosecute against false allegations, and in fact, attorneys may advise on just how far to carry an accusation so as not to involve any investigating agency. It seems that non-custodial parents have fought, are currently fighting, or will be fighting against a common enemy - parents who manipulate the system currently in place. However, after each battle, all that seems to have been accomplished is spending thousands of dollars in legal fees to enforce a visitation right that was previously established by the court. Why is the non-custodial parent incurring the financial burden to enforce the child's right to be involved in the lives of both parents, as well as the cost of medical and dental expenses, and child support? Why is withholding visitations not defined as Contempt of Court and Psychological Abuse to the child? There is a governmental system in place, which would remove the burdening cost of legal representation from the non-custodial parent, and place it on the state. The Attorney General's Office has a database of custodial and non-custodial parents, and their child or children, which case manager's use to track child support payments. With a complaint of denial of visitation, local law enforcement and child protective services could respond and initiate an investigation as well as investigating accusations made to the court. However, the problem lies in forcing the state to define the Child's Right, and then accept the responsibility of protecting and enforcing the Child's Right to be involved with both parents.
The objective is to advocate for the Child's Right to be involved in the lives of both parents and to advocate against Parental Alienation Tactics. We should be concerned with the Rights of the Child, and enforcing those rights. The child is not the one who should be making sacrifices. However, the Child's Right to Both Parents will not be protected until after political unity of custodial and non-custodial parents, mothers and fathers, who force politicians to deal with the issue. Only then, will the current system in place be enforced, and possibly changes made that will place the child first.
References
Cathcart, M. R., & Robles, R. E., (1996), Parenting our children- Report of the
U. S. Commission on Child and Family Welfare, retrieved from the Coalition of Parent
Support website,September 10, 2006: http://www.copss.org/research/majority2.htm
Hughes, R. The effects of divorce on children (July 2005), Retrieved
September 10, 2006, retrieved from the Department of Human & Community
Development, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign website:
http://www.parenting247.org/article.cfm?ContentID=646&AgeGroup=4AgeGroup=4
Kagan, D., Steven, O., & Turner. F, (2004) The western heritage (8th ed.), New Jersey:
Pearson Education.
Levy. D. (Ed.), (1993). The best parent is both parents: A guide to shared parenting,
Norfolk: Hampton Roads Publishing.
The Weapons of Choice for Custody Battles
By James Edwards
October 27, 2011
Over the years since my divorce, and through dealing with a constant barrage of parental alienation tactics from my ex-wife in her attempt to alienate my daughter from me, I have taken note of the amount of violence one parent can use against the other in custody disputes. I associate this newfound awareness with being a divorced father and admit that when I was single and childless I never took much notice. I have also noticed that this violence often ends in the death of one parent or the arrest of the other. Just recently, CNN reported that a “Scott Dekraai of Hunting Beach, California, was arrested and charged with eight counts of murder, which included his ex-wife with whom he has been involved in a custody battle over their eight-year-old son.” While I understand frustration with the system, and how easy it is to manipulate, I do not understand leaving a child or children parentless, or the senseless murder of another human being.
No doubt, divorce is a war, especially when children are involved. You need to have a strategy to win, and you need to command and strategize as a general would, because you are likely to find yourself defending against unfounded accusations at a cost of thousands of dollars. I certainly do not recommend leaving everything in the hands of an attorney, to whom you are just one among dozens of clients. However, your armaments are not bullets or bombs. They are documentation, documentation, and documentation. Your assets are forensic investigators and forensic psychologists. A forensic investigator is much like a private child services investigator and his or her report carries a lot of weight with the court. A forensic investigation is also referred to as a social study evaluation. Forensic psychologists are quite aware of the number of false accusations that run through the system and may be one of your best tools for counteracting accusations with non-biased findings. Their reports also carry a lot of weight in family court. This documentation exists not only for the court, but also for your children. One thing is inevitable – children grow up. While it is easy for a parent to poison the mind of a child, the child who becomes an adult and is provided with documentation will see the truth, and “the truth will set you free.” Your children need to understand what you endured financially and emotionally, and that you did fight for them. The ultimate goal of the targeting parent is to isolate you from your children and, unfortunately, he or she may achieve this simply because the targeted parent runs out of money for the fight. Wars cost money. There is a Sun Tzu – The Art of War, saying, “No nation prospers from a prolonged war.” I do not really agree with this; it depends on what you value. I certainly value my daughter more than I do money in the bank; however, I do understand that fighting for your child’s right to both parents is costly and sometimes you simply run out of money. Over the past six years, I have spent a life’s savings fighting for my daughter, and her mother’s accusations against me never seem to end.
I have also endured several periods of denied visitation with my daughter based on accusations made by my ex-wife. One thing I know is true – my ex-wife is an expert at manipulating the system, and the system never punishes her for making false accusations. It is extremely frustrating when the investigator from Child Protective Services (CPS) says to you, “I know your ex-wife is lying but there is nothing I can do.” However, the system needs to be a system that places the protection of the child first and, because of this, the system is easily manipulated. As I understand it, the problem lies in the jurisdiction of the family courts to prosecute against “misinformation to the court” or “perjury.” It is the responsibility of the district attorney’s office (DA) to prosecute misinformation or perjury; however, if DAs were to prosecute every lie told in family court, they would have no time or resources to prosecute other crimes. Family court judges can hold the litigant on contempt-of-court charges, but are hesitant to do so. You actually have a better chance against the attorney who represented the misinformation, or lies, by filing a complaint with the attorney’s professional ethics board. However, attorneys often advise clients to keep such accusations vague. Listing specific accusations risks the involvement of CPS―something the attorneys do not want, especially if they know the accusations are false.
I believe a child has the right to both parents; however, enforcing this right is, for the most, left to the parent who is being denied visitation rights. It is a hard thing to lose a child, and only parents who have gone through it understand what it is like. As you become financially and emotionally drained, you ride a pendulum between anger and depression. Your thoughts may also swing from suicide to homicide, but you must stay focused on what is important – your child and your child’s right to both parents. Remember, you are in a war and the need to stay physically fit is important, so exercise daily. The endorphins released will counteract the depression. And, although it may be expensive, either request a court-ordered psychological evaluation of you and your child or arrange for an independent evaluation; do the same for the other parent. In my case, the evaluation was ordered by the court at the request of the mother, most likely on the advice of her attorney, and “no” there was no documentation (i.e., police reports, CPS reports) that warranted the need for the evaluation, but it turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done. The evaluation found that the only thing wrong with my daughter was “she favors the father” and recommended “no limitations set on this father.” The mother declined to be evaluated.
In addition to a psychological evaluation, you should either request a court-ordered forensic investigation (also referred to as a social study evaluation) or have an independent investigation conducted. A forensic investigation is expensive as well, but if the findings contradict the accusations, a judge with any sense will favor the findings of the investigation. The social study evaluation may include a psychological evaluation. And, remember, document, document, and document your actions. Keep a journal, start a blog, or write a self-published book for your child. Remember, one day your child will become an adult who wants answers. Have those answers ready.
